Mass Effect: Destruction's Wake
by Xelestial7
Summary: Due to the Reapers, sacrifice has been constant in the daily lives of the Normandy's crew. Commander Shepard has chosen to give up everything to achieve the Reapers' destruction. As everyone struggles to endure the aftermath of Shepard's choices, her lover Garrus battles with grief. Haunted by their last farewell, Garrus vows to find Shepard or whatever remains of his lost love.
1. Chapter 1: Leaving Shepard

I've written up a bit to help you better understand whether or not this story is for you as well as a bit about me (like for one, I am into writing long descriptions!) I understand that reading is a large investment of your time, and I want to make sure you don't waste it. If you wish to skip to the story, by all means, scroll until you see the chapter title.

**Q: Who is this story intended for?**

A: Anyone of course, but I believe those will most relate to it are those who are Shakarian (Garrus x Fem!Shep) fans, who are either Paragon or Paragade by nature. And those that chose the Destroy ending in Mass Effect 3.

**Q: What is this about? **

A: This is my "headcanon" of sorts, (which isn't planned out, so I'm discovering what's going to happen as much as you are) about what happened after the Destroy Extended Cut ending of Mass Effect 3. Though the story focuses on Garrus and Shepard, I will also be writing about what's going on with other crew members and the galaxy to an extent within the story.

**Q: What's the style like? **

A: I don't usually ever write fanfiction, but lately I have been reading a game writing book (what I want to have a career in) that claimed that one of the most skilled things a writer can do is write a story using someone else's characters accurately. So that and my desire to create an ending for Shepard caused this story to be born.

Therefore I will keep as true to the story and style of the Mass Effect trilogy as possible, and as true to the characters as possible. I'm unused to reading or writing fanfiction specifically (although I used to years ago), so bear with me while I find my voice (or rather, BioWare's writers' voice). I actually wrote a fic for the Garrus fanbook collective that was very vague so that almost anyone could pretend it was their FemShep, but since these stories are going to be continuous and I want to write them as well as I can, I will be using my own FemShep and her history for reference.

**Q: How long is this going to be? Are these short stories, chapters or what?**

A: It will be ongoing as a whole, but I am keeping each story somewhat self-contained. Like episodes, there will be a specific issue that is brought up and resolved in each chapter although there will be over arcing issues that will be resolved only as the story goes on. So you could read one like a short story, but also keep going if you so desire. I don't know how long it will be yet, but I intend to keep my writing as concise as possible, without any filler. Also, I plan to update once every week minimum, maybe twice at the time of this writing.

**Q: What is this Shepard's story? Who is she?**

A: This is the story of Tempest Shepard who was a Colonist/Sole Survivor that was largely Paragade. For the big decisions and speaking with her loved ones, she is usually Paragon, but when conflict arises, she is usually Renegade.

She destroyed the Collector base, saved and recruited everyone, tried to warn the batarians in Arrival, cured the genophage, made peace between the Quarians and geth and prepared in every way possible for the battle for Earth (high EMS). She destroyed the Reapers for reasons you might just find out…

_**Chapter 1: Leaving Shepard**_

"Garrus, we…" Liara stood in the doorway of the med bay, looking at Garrus. For the first time in a long time, she was apprehensive about something other than the Reapers. Garrus was sitting on a med bay bed, armor off, in his boxers. Dr. Chakwas was examining him with an omni-tool.

He didn't look at Liara when she spoke. In fact, he wasn't really looking at anything.

Garrus had been completely silent since he and Tali came aboard the Normandy, covered in blood. Liara had overheard some of the crew that had been outside helping with the evac, quietly discussing what had happened. She had been passing by the mess hall tables, leaving the elevator to go to the med bay when she heard the men speaking. She went over to interrogate them, but as soon as the men had noticed her, they stopped talking.

Undaunted, Liara stood before them, leaning over and placing her hands on the table. "What did you say about Shepard?" she asked gently. The men looked at each other for a moment. Then one, a young brown haired man, spoke.

"We were… talking about the Commander. Her and Vakarian." The man paused, expecting rebuke for gossiping. The crew talked about the two like they would anyone else, but they usually tried to keep it from her squad mates, of course, the Commander.

Liara looked at the man a bit impatiently, gesturing for him to go on.

He nervously sucked in his breath and continued. "They were…they said their last goodbyes out there. I-_we,_ think Vakarian is taking it pretty hard. Ma'am. He… hasn't said a word since they brought him in. So I heard."

Liara pushed away from the table and looked toward the med bay window. She could see Tali lying down on a bed while Dr. Chakwas spoke to her. Figuring she wouldn't get any more useful information from the men, she had decided to just go check on Garrus herself.

And now she stood in the doorway, trying to figure out how to tell Garrus that they were probably going to have to leave. Leave Shepard behind.

Liara rubbed her hands together and sighed, walking further inside the room. She sat down on a bed opposite Garrus while Dr. Chakwas worked.

Chakwas glanced at her and stood up. "Well, Garrus, I think I've done everything I can for the moment. I'm going to go check on Tali."

"Is Tali doing okay, doctor?" Liara asked.

Chakwas folded her arms. "Her suit got torn pretty bad but I think she'll make it. She'll probably be down for a while though, with all the infections she's bound to have gotten. But you needn't worry about her." Chakwas looked down at Garrus and then nodded at Liara. Liara watched as Chakwas moved to the far end of the med bay, where Tali was lying down.

Liara looked back at Garrus. He still wasn't looking at her, but rather, past her. "Garrus."

Garrus slowly turned his eyes to Liara. He stared at blankly her for a moment. "Liara." He said softly. His suddenly eyes widened and he grabbed her arms, leaving Liara to stare back in surprise. "Liara! Have you… have you heard from Shepard? Did she make it? Did Shepard make it onto the Citadel?"

Liara relaxed and looked down. Somehow, she found it hard to stare back into those hopeful eyes. "It's been…hard, to get information, Garrus. Even for me." She felt Garrus' hold on her loosen and she quickly went on. "But Admiral Hackett did tell Joker that someone had made it to the Citadel. He believes it was Shepard, but we have no-"

Garrus let Liara go and laughed. "It has to be Shepard. Who else could have made it through all of that?"

Liara looked up at Garrus and gave a brief smile. "Yes, I guess you're right. But Garrus…you do remember the plan? What we have to do when the Crucible is activated?"

Garrus' expression became serious and he let go of Liara. He looked down. "Yeah. But, Liara, if Shepard's alive, I know she'll get back in time. This is Shepard we're talking about."

"Yes, I know, but…" Liara looked at Garrus, making sure he was paying close attention. "Shepard's only one woman, Garrus. We both know she would try her best but…" Liara sighed. "We haven't heard anything from Shepard in over a half hour. Hackett said he's going to move the fleets soon. We've got to get out of here before the Crucible fires, Garrus."

Garrus looked away from Liara and was silent for a few minutes. "Damn it Shepard," he finally whispered. "I told you to come back alive."

Liara put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a sad look. "We'll get through this, Garrus."

Garrus slowly shook his head, though she couldn't tell if he was disagreeing or doing so at the situation. Liara turned and walked out of the med bay, and headed into the elevator.

She had to check on things, she had to keep things going while Shepard…she had make sure that Joker would obey the orders to get out of the blast zone of the Crucible. She had to make sure everyone got out all right, that everyone would _be_ alright.

That Garrus would be all right, or Shepard would never forgive her.

She had to…she had to….

As the elevator doors closed in front of her, tears streamed down Liara's face.

_Not again, Shepard. We can't lose you again. Garrus can't lose you again._

_I can't lose you again._


	2. Chapter 2: The Collision

**Mass Effect: Destruction's Wake**

_**Chapter 2: The Collision**_

Garrus was still in the med bay, numbly putting on his armor when the Normandy crashed.

One of the crew had quickly cleaned the blood off it earlier, though there were streaks here and there. In the back of his mind, the turian in Garrus noted the sloppy work, but he didn't really care. Not right now.

He had just finished putting it on, in fact, when Liara's voice rang out over the intercom.

"All hands, brace for impact!"

Then he was sliding back towards the med bay door, not fully understanding what was going on. Everything seemed to be in slow motion as he glided across the floor. Then strangest feeling of familiarity struck him, and he found himself remembering the detonation of the Collector Base. He had been falling back then too, slipping toward the bottomless pit that contained the remains of that monster. Garrus had been sure that he was going to die there, in that hellish place.

That was when he saw Shepard recklessly sliding toward him without a moment's thought, hand outstretched, desperately trying to grab hold of him. Acting on instinct, she had had total disregard for her own safety, risking her life for him while Tali….

_Tali! _

"Mm…" Tali's soft groan snapped Garrus out of his daze right before his back hit the med bay door, hard. He felt every injury he'd earned in the race to the beam throb on impact, but his attention was now directed toward the quarian sliding toward him.

Tali had slid off the bed, still mostly unconscious. He opened his arms wide to catch her but the door behind him opened, and he tumbled backward into the hall. Finally his back smashed into the wall again. Though his armor protected him from the worst of it, Garrus winced on collision as a new wave of pain went through his body.

Then Tali tumbled into him at full speed. Though she was small, the force of her unconscious body struck his already weakened body like a charging krogan. The back of his head then hit the wall, knocking him unconscious.

"…out of it. Garrus!"

Garrus tried to move. A sharp pain shot through him and he grabbed his head, quickly deciding against movement. He tried to open his eyes instead. Everything was blurry and the Normandy's lights were flickering on and off but he could see someone standing in front of him. As his eyes tried to focus, Garrus noticed that the person was holding out a hand.

And then he heard _her_ voice, clear as day, speaking into his mind.

_Get up, Garrus. You have to survive. You're the only one I can trust to take care of them._

"Shepard?" he said groggily. Garrus willed his eyes to focus on the figure before him and the shape became clearer. He could see it was a woman. A human woman. He couldn't stop hope from overwhelming him as he reached out to take her hand.

"Uh, sorry, no. It's just me. Traynor." Traynor grunted as she helped pull the turian up. Though he still felt a little dizzy, Garrus' eyes had focused now, and he could see her face clearly. His heart felt like it had fallen into the pit of his stomach, and he looked away. He felt like an idiot. Garrus chastised himself for believing even for a moment that Shepard was back. How would she have gotten on the Normandy, after all?

But Garrus _knew _he had heard her voice just now.

"It's…sorry, Traynor. Just a little confused right now." He remembered Tali just then and looked around. There were people all over the ship tending to the injured. "Where's Tali?

"She's back in the med bay." Traynor put her hands up as Garrus opened his mouth to speak. "And… before you ask, she's fine. I think you, ah, soaked up most of the damage."

Garrus exhaled slowly, relaxing. "What happened?"

Traynor scratched her head and walked a little ways away from Garrus, facing away from him. "We_ tried_ to get out of the blast radius of the Crucible, but it eventually overtook the Normandy. I don't think anything or… anyone, escaped it." She put her hands behind her back, but still wouldn't face Garrus. "We still aren't exactly sure what happened. But…I have a theory. I think that when Shepard activated the Crucible, it emitted some sort of energy that severely… damaged everything synthetic."

"Shepard activated the Crucible?" _Shepard must be alive then. She has to be._ Garrus tried to kill the seed of hope growing in his mind, but failed. "Wait. Traynor, does that mean those Reaper bastards are gone?"

Traynor rubbed her hands together nervously and turned to Garrus. "I'm sorry, we don't know anything yet….When that strange light hit us, everything went on the fritz. All communications are down; nothing in the ship is working right, if it's working at all. And EDI…" Traynor trailed off as tears suddenly filled her eyes.

"What about EDI?" Garrus asked gently.

"She's- she's not responding from anywhere in the ship. Not to me, not even to Joker. Her body just- just _dropped, _when that light hit us. Joker's with her now but I think…I don't think she's coming back." Traynor's voice broke a little on the last word, but she didn't let a single tear fall as she fiercely rubbed her eyes. Clearing her throat, she continued. "We, um, crashed on some sort of uncharted world. It's hard to tell with all the tech dea- damaged, but I think we can breathe the air here. It's some kind of garden world. I think."

Garrus just nodded and Traynor looked to the side, holding the back of her hand to her nose for a moment. Garrus started studying a door on the other side of the hall as the lights continued to flick on and off. When Traynor spoke again, it was with a clearly forced, but lighter tone. "Well, since you seem to be okay, I think I'm going to go help out with the wounded. Feel free to find me if you need me." Then she walked past him quickly, toward the crew quarters.

Garrus just continued to stand there, unsure of what to do or how to feel.

_EDI gone, Shepard's whereabouts unknown, the Normandy stranded on an uncharted planet with little to no technology._ _All of this because of those damned Reapers._ _Reapers that might not even be gone, Reapers that might be destroying what little is left of our forces right now. _

A terrifying thought sprung into Garrus' mind._ What if this was all for nothing? _What if they had all just crippled themselves and left themselves open to a Reaper attack? What if they had just lost the war and didn't even know it?

_You're the only one I can trust to take care of them._

Shepard's words reverberated in his mind, and he knew then that he couldn't the doubts get to him, that he couldn't let her down. Not after all this.

He just felt so useless right now. When it came right down to it, all Garrus knew how to do well was calibrate and shoot a gun. But he knew he had to help, in whatever way he could. Garrus tried to think about where he was most needed right now. Then he realized that Tali's suit had likely been damaged along with everything else. And in her weakened condition….

Garrus rushed back toward the med bay. Already, they'd lost so many of their squad mates and crew. And he couldn't let another one die. He wouldn't. Garrus had too few friends to lose any more.

Shepard's words came back to him again as he ran, but this time they were different ones.

_Not one more. _


	3. Chapter 3: Aftermath

_Author's note: This is a brief chapter but the next one is the longest yet. It should be up within a day or less of this one._

_Chapter 3: Aftermath_

Garrus stormed into the med bay like a turian with a purpose. Dr. Chakwas was back in there, along with a few injured crew members. She was tending to Tali and she looked up questioningly when he burst in.

"Something you need, Garrus?"

Garrus stopped before Tali's bed, breathing hard. She was still unconscious, but she was breathing. "Doctor, how is she?"

Chakwas rubbed her neck with one hand and sighed. Coming from the calm and collected doctor, Garrus didn't take this as a good sign.

"As you can see, she's alive but…it could go either way, really. Her enviro-suit was badly damaged by whatever the Crucible did. It appears to be having difficulty administering antibiotics to her. I'm not a technician but quarians build these suits incredibly well. I think there's a chance it could be repaired or it may even have a self-repairing function, but it's too early to tell." Chakwas walked over to her desk and sat down in the chair. "So I've been administering antibiotics to her myself in the meantime. She didn't take-"

"Wait a minute. If all the equipment is damaged, how are you giving her antibiotics?" Garrus interrupted.

"Garrus, I've been around a very long time. I've learned to do without all the fancy medical equipment if need be. And I should think a doctor should at least be able to administer some basic antibiotics to her patient."

Garrus shifted a little uncomfortably, feeling he had annoyed the doctor. Chakwas only stared back at him, her hands clasped together. "May I continue?" When Garrus nodded, she went on. "As I was saying, Tali actually wasn't injured all that bad, really. Not compared to you, at any rate." Chakwas paused to give Garrus a disapproving glance. She hadn't agreed with him being up and about this early, but Garrus had only quietly assured her he was fine. Seeing no point in arguing with the turian, Chakwas had acquiesced. "The biggest fight for Tali will be against infection, but with quarians and suit ruptures…I won't lie to you, Garrus. Her vitals-what vitals I could take anyway- are stable for now, but I don't like her chances. Not with her suit damaged, no working medical equipment and us stranded on some uncharted world."

Garrus had been listening quietly, carefully as the doctor explained the situation. He didn't like what he was hearing. That feeling of being useless was coming back in full force, but he pushed it away in his mind. "Is there anything I can do, doctor? Anything at all?"

"You can't do anything for Tali right now, Garrus. But you can do what you do best. I hate to say it, but with Shepard gone and things in bad shape what this crew needs most is a leader. I know you led one of the teams when you all stormed the Collector base, and you've been serving alongside Shepard from the beginning of all this. I really do think the crew will listen to you, and right now, I can't think of anyone better for the job." The med bay door opened just then, and in came Vega and Kaidan with several wounded.

"Got some new patients for you, doc." Vega said. Dr. Chakwas rose and pointed to some empty beds, her mind seemingly already on treating her new patients.

Garrus could see he would just be in the way and after a last glance at Tali, walked out of med bay. As he was coming out he saw that Liara, holding up Joker, was headed in. He hazarded a glance at the two and saw that Liara was bleeding from her head. She looked a little banged up too, but otherwise seemed fine. Joker was hunched over like always, but he was moving even slower than usual. Liara only glanced at Garrus, sorrow in her eyes and continued on. As they passed him, beneath the brim of Joker's cap Garrus saw something on his cheeks, glistening.

A moment later, Garrus realized they were tears.


	4. Chapter 4: Memories

_Note from the author: There is a part in here that may seem familiar to some. You will know it when you see it. I have another note for after you finish reading (as to not spoil it) that discusses it. –Xelestial_

* * *

_Chapter 4: Memories_

The lights were still flickering and wounded were everywhere moaning in pain with more still piling into the med bay. Garrus even saw Javik assisting some injured crew members, helping them up. Yet despite the chaos going on around him, all Garrus could see in his mind's eye was Joker, the tears streaming down his face.

_Am I going to end up like that?_

In a daze, Garrus walked into the elevator and hit the column of buttons near the door, not really paying any attention to which one he chose. He just needed to get away for a minute, clear his head. What Chakwas had said, everything that was going on, everything that had _happened_, weighed heavy on his heart and his mind. Ever since the final assault on the Reapers had begun, the situation had just gotten progressively worse. First Harbinger touched down in front of the beam, then getting injured on the run to beam, then having to say goodbye to Shepard...

The elevator opened and Garrus stepped out. He then realized that he was in front of the door to Shepard's cabin. He hesitated for a few seconds, wondering what to do and then decided to go in. Garrus stopped almost as soon as he entered and anxiously examined the room. Some silly part of him had been afraid that things would be different in some way; that somehow even the room knew that she was….

But things weren't different. They looked the same as they always did. The fish were still swimming happily in their tank, completely unaware and uncaring what had happened. Shepard's tablet was on her desk next to her terminals and old dog tags. Garrus curiously picked it up and tried to turn it on, but it was clearly no longer working. Placing it down, he looked behind him. The bathroom door was open and he could still see droplets of water in the shower. Garrus smirked a little without realizing it. Some of their most intimate times, his best memories, had been in that shower, on the bed – hell, even on the couch.

_But that's all over now, isn't it?_ Garrus walked down the steps to their bed- yes, he'd begun to think of it as his, too- and sat down on the edge of it. He looked over at the fish tank again. That was where they had first really touched, really _saw_ each other. And where they first began to understand and explore what was between them. Garrus had been so nervous, so afraid of screwing up the wonderful relationship they already had. But his anxiety had quickly dissipated, overshadowed and overwhelmed by her confidence and firm, yet gentle touch.

Garrus sighed, lost in one of the best memories of his life. But he knew on some level that he was just avoiding reality. Avoiding the pain. He didn't understand it. It wasn't like him to get this emotional _or_ run from his problems. He'd experienced plenty of loss and grief in his life, but this…he didn't know how to deal with this.

Just then Garrus' keen eye caught something shimmering on the left side of the room. He realized that it was coming from Shepard's other desk, near the couches. Deciding to investigate, he got up and walked over to it. Then he saw that it was Shepard's picture frame. It appeared to be malfunctioning as a continuous ripple ran through it, but Garrus could still see the image clearly. It was of him and Shepard.

On the day they affirmed their relationship on the Citadel, Shepard had done something unusual: she had asked for a picture. The entire time since he had been back on the Normandy, she had always seemed distracted and burdened under all the pressure from the war, by every death she couldn't prevent. But sometimes - when she was with Garrus - he could get her to smile, to forget about everything. He could sometimes even convince her to steal just a few moments for herself and her own sanity.

The day on the Presidium was one of those times. After he had won their little bottle shooting contest, they had just held each other for a while. For once, Shepard didn't protest or comment about how they should get back to the ship or how someone might need her. Now, Garrus was sure that Shepard had somehow known. Known that day would be the last time they could pretend they were a normal couple without a care in the world. The last day they would really get to spend time together.

But after some time had passed and Garrus was about to suggest going back to the Normandy for some fun, Shepard pulled away and looked up at him. "Hey, let's take a picture," she had said, smiling.

"A picture?" Garrus repeated, surprised. Shepard wasn't really the sentimental type. At least if she ever had been, she could no longer afford to be - not with the war.

"Yeah, why not? You can take it with your omni-tool." Seeing that Garrus was looking strangely at her, Shepard added "I was just thinking that I don't have any pictures of us. And how often do we get to go to the top of the Presidium?"

Garrus stared a little longer, trying to study her face. They both knew the stakes of this war, but it was still hard to see her like this. For someone else, it might not have meant anything. But Garrus knew. Knew that she was worried and didn't know if they'd ever get another chance like this again.

"Alright, but you owe me, Shepard. You know how I feel about taking pictures."

She had just smiled and pulled him close. "Don't worry; I'm sure I can think of a way to thank you."

Garrus looked down at the picture now, wondering how many times she had held it like he was now. Although he hadn't been initially attracted to humans in the least, being with Shepard had made him see them in a different light. And she had certainly shown him some of their advantages. Looking at her now and seeing how happy she looked in the picture, Garrus thought there wasn't anyone more beautiful in the galaxy. _And there's no one I'd rather see more right now._

He noticed then that something was sticking out from the back of the frame. Garrus turned it over and saw that there was something white taped to the back. Curious, he carefully removed the tape and took the white thing, realizing it was paper. _Paper? Here?_ He hardly saw paper around much anymore and besides Kasumi's old book collection, he couldn't recall the last time he'd seen any aboard the Normandy. Carefully, he unfolded it and saw that it was a letter.

It was from Shepard, addressed to Garrus.

Garrus quickly began reading, eager for any kind of communication from Shepard.

_Garrus,_

_You're probably wondering why this is on paper. I'm sorry for the handwriting- I haven't picked up a pen in years. But I needed to do it this way. I needed to write these words with my own hand._

_There's a few things I need you to know._

_First, if you're finding this, then it means I'm gone. This time for good. But I still have one more gift I can give you._

_This isn't Alliance protocol but if I'm dead no one can argue me down: the Normandy is yours. Congratulations, Commander Vakarian. There isn't anyone else with the command experience and there isn't anyone else the crew – or I - respect more._

_Keep them together, Garrus. They'll look to you._

Garrus paused, stunned.

_Shepard._

Looking back down at the page, he saw there was more.

_Now there's something else I need you to know: I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry for leaving again. I never wanted to leave you. I always want to be at your side. We've been through so much together and you've always been there for me - watching my back, making me smile, giving me advice, being my lieutenant, my comrade-in-arms, my best friend._

_My lover._

_I love you. You know that. You are the reason I keep going, the reason why I fight. You are all the good in my life. And dead or not, that will never, ever change._

_Sometimes I think back to that time when we met up again after Cerberus rebuilt me. You were almost killed by that missile. That was when I knew that I cared about you as more than a comrade or even a friend._

_I thought I had lost you, and that was probably the scariest moment of either of my lifetimes._

_So, I'm sorry. Sorry to put you through that kind of pain. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Garrus, and maybe I don't have the right to ask anymore of you. But you have to be strong and carry on, like the incredible soldier I know you are. Don't be afraid to let your crew help you. I wasn't. And when you're feeling sad, when you're feeling weak and alone, just remember… I'm there, right beside you. And I will be always and forever, until we meet again._

_-Forever yours,_

_T. Shepard_

Garrus hungrily read through the letter twice before he noticed there were tiny stains on the page. Stains from tears. _Shepard…Shepard. _He gently caressed the spots where her tears had fallen for a few moments before reaching over and pressing the intercom button. He hoped it still worked.

"Dr. Chakwas, can you hear me?" Garrus tried to swallow the lump that had come up in his throat and hoped no one could hear the strain in his voice.

"Yes, Garrus, but there's some static," came the reply. Her voice sounded distorted and static made it hard to understand, but he could hear her. Garrus then switched to a different channel so the entire ship could hear him. The emotions that had threatened to overwhelm him since he got back to the Normandy now felt like they were coming to a head, and he struggled to push them down.

"Attention everyone, this is Garrus. I have something I need to say. I know things seem hard right now – hell, they are hard right now- but we're going to get through this. We've survived Reapers and the fight back on Earth, and we just survived the Crucible's blast and crash landing wherever the hell we are. We're going to get through this because we are the crew of the Normandy, and because we're Shepard's crew - the best damn crew in the galaxy. And I'm going to bring you through this. I promise that I'm going to bring you home." Garrus hesitated and then added quietly, "And we're going to bring Shepard home."

He turned off the intercom and stared at it for a while. He suddenly felt so tired. All the day's fights, stresses and injuries were wearing on him. Garrus turned and walked back to the bed, taking the picture frame and letter with him. He placed them on the nightstand and started taking off his armor. Ordinarily he would spend time cleaning and polishing it and would carefully store it away, but right now he just didn't care. Garrus threw his armor on the floor next to the bed and lay down. He vaguely noticed that the lights had stopped flickering and gone dim, so he assumed someone had been able to repair them to some extent.

He carefully took the picture and letter off the nightstand and began reading through the letter again and again. Eventually he put it back down and turned over, facing the pillow that Shepard normally slept on. Garrus breathed in deeply. Both the pillow and bed still had her scent on it - in fact, it permeated the entire room. After staring at the empty pillow for a few minutes, Garrus placed the picture frame on it, so he could look at the image instead.

At last, as he began to relax, that dam of steel he had built in his mind to ward off his emotions came crashing down. All of the emotions that had been pent up for so long came flooding in, and for a while he lost himself in them. Fear, anger, self-loathing, helplessness, loss, hurt, denial and sorrow. Garrus just let himself be immersed in whatever he felt for a while.

Then without warning, without wanting to, he broke down and began crying. Crying quietly at first, he began sobbing as tears came unbidden. Garrus had only ever cried a few times in his life and he had absolutely hated it every time. And he always felt disgusted with himself after. But somehow, having that picture of Shepard and him there helped him to calm down. They had looked so happy, so peaceful together, like there was nowhere else they'd rather be.

It brought Garrus to a better place in his mind as he thought of all the precious time they had spent together, just the two of them. Finally as he drifted off to sleep, physically and emotionally exhausted, he believed he could almost feel _her_ presence next to him, caressing him.

Then, right as sleep took him, he thought he heard a familiar whisper…or was it just a memory?

"_Sleep well, Garrus. You'll never be alone."_

* * *

_Note from the author cont'd: I want to add at the end of this that I did take some parts of the letter (mainly the part beginning "this isn't Alliance..." to "They'll look to you" from a popular fanmade comic that went around on tumblr back in June. I edited a bit for my use, but most of it's intact. I wasn't sure if I got my idea from the comic or would have had them anyway, and I didn't want to disrespect the comic by copying or making something similar. So I decided to make a tribute to it by including it in my fic to the best of my ability. I have also notified the author of the comic that I included it._

_Note two from the author: I was extremely hesitant about stating whether or not turians could create tears. I did a bit of research about crying and turians as well as relying on my own knowledge and judgment before making the decision that yes, it is likely they could cry. Turians are similar to humans in that they have hormonal urges and relieve stress in similar ways. Hormones are what are said to be released in the tears that come from emotional crying, leading to a feeling of relief. These facts as well as others led me to conclude that it is very likely that turians cry. Just wanted to put that tidbit in because I take adding anything to the canon very seriously _


	5. Chapter 5: Bury

_Chapter 5: Bury_

Garrus watched solemnly as two men dug a grave. The crew was still stranded on the nameless planet with the Normandy still in no shape to fly. They were repairing things at least, moving with some purpose again. They had fixed to the best of their ability what they needed the most first – their omni-tools to help make other repairs. Along with lights, air, refrigeration, medical equipment and Garrus himself had gotten some weapons back in working order just today. But they hadn't even begun repairs on what Garrus had categorized as secondary equipment, and things like datapads would probably have to wait until they got somewhere with civilization. Still it had been less than a week and they had gotten much done under Garrus' guidance. And everyone - including Garrus - seemed happy to have something to do.

It was nice to be able to focus on something else other than the loss and pain they all felt.

But in order for the crew as a whole to move on, Garrus had finally deemed it necessary to deal with EDI's body. Though it was just a synthetic body and didn't have anything to do with her anymore, Garrus could see it still meant a lot to Joker and the crew that had also come to care for her. For them, that body was all that was left of EDI. So Garrus had finally gone down to the crew quarters last night to ask Joker what he wanted to do with it.

"Joker, I know this is difficult but…we need to discuss what to do with EDI's body." Garrus had said, as gently as he could. He was prepared for an argument, but he wasn't going to take no for an answer. It just wasn't healthy for Joker to keep it around. Joker was lying in one of the beds, hands behind his head, still recovering from multiple fractures. But Garrus knew he was hurt more emotionally than physically.

Joker didn't look at Garrus or speak for a while, just staring at the ceiling, but Garrus only patiently waited. Finally he said, "I wanna give her a burial. A real one. I don't want her just thrown out the airlock when we leave or something."

Garrus nodded. "Alright, we can do that. We'll have to check out the area first, make sure it's safe, and then you can…pick out somewhere you want to put her. We'll do it tomorrow, if you're up to it."

"Yeah." Joker had simply responded, turning over.

Garrus was unsure if Joker was really alright. He had just been lying about, hardly speaking to anyone and barely eating since he was released from the med bay. So Garrus had briefly spoken with Traynor that morning, inquiring after Joker's mental state after he had seen him in the mess hall earlier. It was the first time he had been out of his room other than after Garrus, Joker and a few members of the squad had come back from outside. It had also been the first time they assessed the planet since they had crashed. It was a beautiful world, but its allure seemed dulled by everything that had happened. Joker had picked a spot near to a waterfall for EDI's body, supposedly so he'd be able to find it easily if he "ever wanted to visit one day".

"Traynor, you think Joker's going to be alright?" Garrus had asked her when she came by the main battery to give a status report. Garrus had begun fixing the guns again, something he had been doing all night without sleep. It was under the pretense that they would need them "just in case something nasty was out there". But really, everyone knew it mostly just relaxed him.

Traynor seemed a bit surprised by his question. "I…I don't know. Why…why do you ask?"

Garrus slipped a thermal clip into the gun he was working on and reloaded the gun. "I saw Joker this morning in the mess hall after we got back. Seems like he's doing a lot better. I know you're the only one Joker's been talking to, so I thought you must know what's going on."

"Well, actually…" Garrus paused and looked at Traynor and she shifted uncomfortably. "I was just talking to Joker last night about- about how AIs work. How they have a blue box – a quantum computer that makes them who they are. It could be possibly thought of as the synthetic equivalent to a what people believe a soul is. Then Joker got this idea in his head that as long as he had that, maybe EDI could be fixed…."

Garrus simply stared at Traynor with his cold blue eyes, not saying anything. So she began talking again, this time a little faster. "I told him it probably wasn't possible, that if it got damaged then she'd be gone but… I don't think he was listening." Traynor stopped and then waited for Garrus to respond again, seemingly expecting rebuke.

Garrus looked away and continued to examine the gun. "Don't worry about it, Traynor. Whatever gets him focused and going again. If we're going to get off this planet, we'll need everyone at one hundred percent."

Traynor opened her mouth but no words came. Quickly, she closed it instead. "Yes, right. Understood. Um, well, I've really got some work to do…" she said. Garrus nodded and Traynor excused herself and walked out of the room. Garrus didn't think she did understand, not really. But he did.

_I'd take any kind of hope right about now._

After that Garrus had expected Joker to come to him later asking that they put off the burial. However, to Garrus' surprise he never did.

But now, standing before the shallow grave that would hold EDI's body, Joker seemed to be losing it all over again. Traynor, Liara, Kaidan, Vega and a small group of other crew members were gathered around them somberly, Liara with an arm around Joker's shoulder. He was just holding the tip of his hat over his eyes and staring in the direction of the hole.

Since Joker couldn't physically lower the synthetic body into the hole himself, Garrus had volunteered to carry EDI's remains and place her in the crude grave. As the diggers backed away, finished, Garrus stepped forward, EDI's heavy body in his arms.

"Wait." Joker said, and walked up to him. Garrus paused and turned to him, readying himself for an argument. But Joker only reached over and touched EDI's face. Garrus looked away to give him some illusion of solitude and after a few moments Joker stepped back.

"Okay," he said, thickly. It was clear he was trying to control the emotion in his voice. Garrus felt a pang of sadness for the first time since that night he had cried. But he realized it wasn't for EDI and Joker so much as for Shepard and himself. _That could be me, _said a small voice inside him.

Garrus bent down and carefully placed EDI's body in the soil. As he stepped back and the diggers began covering her remains with dirt, Joker started trembling as he sobbed quietly. Liara gently wrapped her arms around him but Garrus realized that she was looking not at Joker, but at Garrus again. Her face was sad and yet searching. She seemed to be trying to gauge how he was going to react. Garrus turned around to go back to the Normandy, when Joker's voice stopped him.

"Wait," he said again. Garrus turned back to look at at Joker who was now looking directly at him despite tears streaming down his face. "Thanks, Garrus," he said quietly. Garrus gazed back a second longer before nodding and turning to walk back to the ship. He didn't know what to say to him. There was only one reason he could think of for why he felt he had to be the one to do it, why he had to be the one to lower EDI's body into the grave and help Joker move on.

_It's what she would have done. _


	6. Chapter 6: Colloquy

_Chapter 6: Colloquy_

When Garrus reentered the ship, he decided to go down to the engineering level to check and see how they were doing with repairs. The sooner they got off that planet, the sooner he could find Shepard, he reasoned. They had already been significantly slowed down with beginning any repairs to the ship because Ken had gotten injured trying to protect Gabby during the crash, and Gabby had suffered minor injuries. Adams had also gotten a concussion in the crash as well, effectively slowing his ability to work down. On top of that, the engineers' expertise was needed to help repair more mundane items, which had frustrated Garrus to no end. He knew it was no one's fault, but he needed them focused on ship repairs.

Garrus walked out of the elevator and into engineering only to run right into Tali.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, nearly falling down. Garrus caught her and steadied her.

"Tali? What are you doing up? I thought you were still out." Garrus had come by to check on Tali every morning but she had been mostly out of it since the crash. Even with some of the medical equipment up Chakwas had told him it was a still a dicey situation, so he was more than surprised to see her up. Tali stepped back and walked over to the console she usually worked at, waving for Garrus to follow her. Gabby, Ken and Adams weren't there yet and Garrus guessed they were still on their way back from EDI's makeshift funeral.

"I was out when you came to check on me last – thanks by the way. Dr. Chakwas told me you came every day." Garrus nodded and Tali continued. "Anyway, I woke up a little after you left yesterday. Honestly, I felt pretty bad- I still do- but when I heard about what happened and found out my suit was damaged, I couldn't just lie there. So I spent most of yesterday trying to repair my suit without getting even sicker. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Except, you know, fighting Reapers."

"So were you able to repair your suit?" Garrus asked, leaning against the wall near the console.

"Sort of. Well, not really, actually. Dr. Chakwas was able to close up most of the ruptures, and I closed up the rest, but it's still not doing everything it should. It's difficult to repair some functions without actually removing it - and I can't really do that without a sterile environment, you know, especially while sick. But our suits do have some limited self-repairing abilities and at least most of the basic functions are working." Tali sighed, leaning back against the other wall. "It's in bad shape, but I think as long as I play it safe, I'll be fine. I can't go outside until it's fixed though; I don't want to push my luck."

Garrus smiled. "Yeah, can't think of too many quarians who could survive being injured with their suit malfunctioning."

"That's because I'm the only quarian you really know. But really, I think for a quarian I must have a pretty good immune system by now. I'm probably the only one getting constant ruptures from fighting all the time. Guess I can thank Shepard for that one." Tali immediately looked at Garrus, realizing what she had just said. "Sorry, I-"

"No, it's okay. I…I'm fine, Tali. Really."

Garrus couldn't tell what her expression was behind the mask, but he felt like she was scrutinizing him. "I heard about EDI. Sorry, I wasn't thinking. You must have just come back from her…funeral. I can't imagine, doing something like that, right after…ugh, there I go again. Just…how are you, Garrus. Really?" Tali asked.

"Like I said, I'm fine. I'll miss EDI around here but we've got bigger problems to worry about. "

Tali folded her arms. "Garrus…This isn't like you. Well, it is, but you're being even more stubborn than usual. Whatever you're feeling, you don't have to keep it to yourself. I know the funeral had to be hard on you."

Garrus shook his head, intending to deflect her concern again. But having Tali back after being so worried if she'd even survive, hearing the worry in her voice combined with all the stress he'd been under lately - once again he felt the walls come crashing down and he suddenly couldn't help himself.

"I don't _know_, Tali. I don't know what to do with all this. We've lost friends before. Hell, I've lost Shepard before. But this time it's different. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat. I don't care about anything else right now except for Shepard." Garrus paused, a little surprised at his own outburst. Then he added quietly "I just miss her, Tali, like you wouldn't believe. It hurts like crazy and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. So I just keep moving, but…" Garrus stopped and shook his head.

Tali placed a hand on his arm. "It's alright, Garrus. And yes, we've lost too many friends to this stupid war. But, Shepard was more than a friend to you. You love her. It's alright to feel sad. It's normal. Shepard is my best friend and I feel the same way. I don't even know what it is we're supposed to be doing anymore, but I have to keep trying. I know that I have to keep going."

Garrus looked at Tali. He thought he had never heard her sound more tired. He felt guilty about unloading his problems on her. "Sorry, Tali. I forget sometimes that I'm not the only who cares about Shepard. I'm just... I want to find her, but sometimes…."

"You're wondering if you should?"

"No. Yes. Damn it, I don't know. I should be focusing on getting these people home, but I need them. The galaxy has to be a mess right now and no one else will be able to help me find her. Thing is, I told them I'd get them home Tali, and they've served long enough. But all I want to do is go to Earth and find…whatever I can of Shepard. I just never thought I'd be more confused than I was when I confronted Sidonis. I just don't know what to do with any of this." Garrus repeated, shaking his head.

Tali was quiet for a moment. She walked to her console, arms still crossed before turning around and saying, "Have you thought about asking Kaidan?"

Garrus hesitated, not sure he heard her right. "Kaidan? Why…?"

"Well, think about it. He's the only person on this entire ship who's been where you are now. He'll know more than anyone else. You should talk with him, see if he can help."

Garrus fell silent while he thought about it. Before Garrus, before her death, Shepard had been with Major Kaidan Alenko. But after they'd finally reunited back on Horizon, Shepard seemed crushed by his rejection and harsh judgment, but like the soldier she was, she moved on. Garrus and Shepard had already been growing closer, but he'd never even seriously considered any kind of relationship until he had cleared his own head - thanks to her help with Sidonis. After that, Shepard had been the one to accost Garrus and one thing had led to another… But Garrus and Kaidan had never really talked about any of it.

"I don't know, Tali. I'll think about it. Thanks for the advice." Garrus said, standing up straight.

"I'm surprised you're even considering taking it, but I'm glad. And, anytime Garrus." Tali coughed and Garrus put an arm around her shoulders.

"Take it easy, Tali. Get some rest."

Tali sighed. "You're probably right. But I can still work. I'll guess I'll be sitting and repairing omni tools in my bed. Just let me know if anyone needs me." Tali said, walking out of engineering.

Garrus watched her as she left. _She's pushing herself so hard. I can't bother her with this crap anymore. But talking to Kaidan…?_

When Garrus joined up with Shepard again after her incarceration, he had learned that Kaidan had been with her on Earth and Mars. He had also learned that she had been visiting the Major in the hospital whenever she could. He'd always liked Kaidan, but the situation had admittedly made him a little nervous. He was sure that the two had so much more in common - like both being human, for one- and that she would dismiss Garrus as a fling or a rebound relationship and drop him for Kaidan in an instant. But she didn't. In fact, he had heard a rumor that Kaidan had asked her to rekindle the relationship but she had turned him down. Despite all of this, both Garrus and Kaidan had always maintained at minimum a cordial relationship but they never really breached the subject except once.

"Take good care of her, okay?" Kaidan had said the day after Garrus and Shepard's date. Garrus had just stared back in surprise as Kaidan kept on walking past him - probably to be alone in his favorite spot in starboard observation. But Kaidan had been through this- he had lost Shepard before. Maybe Tali was right. But at the very least Garrus thought it would be an awkward conversation at best, and at worst it'd cause tension between Kaidan and him, and bring up old feelings better left forgotten.

Still thinking, Garrus left the room, headed toward the elevator when James came rushing out of it, nearly running into him.

"Oh, sorry." James said, stopping hard.

"It's alright. Maybe I need to be more careful around elevators." Garrus half-joked, distracted.

James looked up at Garrus. "Hey, just the turian I needed to see."

"Let me guess. Something's wrong?"

"Yeah, well, kind of. I was headed on my back down to the armory and I saw Joker and Javik talking up on deck three. It looked like it was getting pretty heated and I thought you might wanna know."

Garrus couldn't help but sigh. "Alright. Thanks for letting me know." He said, and walking past James into the elevator. Now he was beginning to understand how Shepard must have felt.


	7. Chapter 7: Vitriolic

_Chapter 7: Vitriolic_

When Garrus walked out of the elevator, he didn't have to try and figure out where Joker and Javik were. There was a small crowd gathered in the hallway. He cut through the crowd and passed by Kaidan who was watching the situation cautiously. "Glad you're here, Garrus." Kaidan said in passing. Garrus gave a small crowd and walked into the small clearing where Javik and Joker were standing.

"What the hell is going on here?" Garrus said. He sounded only mildly irritated but even that was a change from the composed turian the crew had grown to know and depend on. All eyes immediately turned to Garrus – except for Javik and Joker who were only focused on each other.

Joker had Javik by his collar, pulling him down toward him. His other hand was clenched into a fist while Javik merely looked down at him, seemingly amused. Liara was standing closest to them, looking unsure but clearly ready to jump in if need be.

"This – this _asshole_ can't shut up for even one day about synthetics and how he's so superior or whatever," Joker seethed without taking his eyes off Javik.

It was strange to see him so angry. Garrus knew whatever Javik had said, it must have been pretty bad.

It had all begun when Joker came back inside the Normandy with Liara and Traynor's assistance. As they got off the elevator, they passed by Javik who was walking toward it.

"I was curious as to where the crew was. I see now that you were all wasting time burying that synthetic corpse as I had heard," he had said.

Joker stopped cold and let go of Liara and Traynor. He limped painfully over to Javik who turned and faced him. "Look, I've had enough of your crap. I don't know if synthetics killed your – "Joker broke off, realizing what he had just said.

Javik merely crossed his arms. "They did. Synthetics killed every last one of my people, then turned them against us. And they tried to wipe out your own species less than a week ago. You must understand by now that synthetics are not our allies and they never will be. Organics and synthetics will always be enemies."

"Javik…." Liara said quietly, seeing where this was going.

"See that's where you're wrong. EDI is…was our ally. No, you know what? She was more than that. She was our _friend_. She saved our asses countless times _and_ she helped us fight the Reapers."

"The synthetic had its uses, I am not denying that. But it was threatened by the Reapers as much as we were – and might be still. In time, it would have turned against us, just like all synthetics in all cycles before. Or do you truly believe your machine would have been the only one who did not? Either way, if the Reapers have been defeated its usefulness is at an end. And it is pointless to mourn what was never alive."

Joker had moved as fast as he could and grabbed Javik by the collar at that, not really knowing what he was planning to do. That was when Garrus had arrived.

"Prothy the Prothean here decided he wanted to talk shit about EDI and I'm- I'm done with it." Joker said to Garrus.

"What exactly are you going to do, human? You are both frail and injured. If you want vengeance against me, you will have to take it another time." Javik responded.

Garrus cut in before Joker could respond. "Do either of you really think Shepard would let you pull this kind of crap? And don't think I'll let it happen either. Not right now. Things are bad enough without people at each other's throats. You both need to stay away from each other until our mission is done, and then you can work it out."

"And what mission is that? Going on a wild goose chase to find whatever's left of Shepard?" Joker quipped.

Garrus recoiled, surprised. Joker glanced at him and all of the anger drained from Joker's face. As he was met only with Garrus' silence, he let go of Javik and staggered back a little.

"I'm- I'm sorry, I just…."

Traynor stepped forward and put an arm around Joker to steady him. "You should probably go and lie down."

Joker rubbed his face with one hand. "Yeah. Yeah, that's probably a good idea," he said as he let himself be steered toward Crew Quarters.

"The sooner you stop lamenting over that machine, the sooner you can start getting better so we can get off this planet. And then you can try and take your revenge on me, human." Javik said.

Joker looked back at Javik and said simply, "It's Flight Lieutenant Moreau to you."

When Joker had gone, Garrus noticed all the people still standing there. "Don't you all have something better to do?" he asked. As the crew members started dispersing except for Liara and Kaidan, he turned back to Javik.

"Javik, I know how you feel about synthetics – in fact, I think the whole crew does by now - but was that really necessary?"

"Your 'Joker' pilot – the Flight Lieutenant is only slowing us down. Moaning about the synthetic isn't going to help us get off this planet."

"But it isn't your place to say that, Javik. If it's anyone's responsibility, it's mine." Garrus said.

Javik was quiet for a moment as he examined Garrus. "I…see. As you wish, Commander," he said, with something in his voice. Surprise? Amusement? Garrus couldn't tell. Javik turned around and walked toward the elevator.

"I'll go try to talk to him," Liara said quiely to Garrus, before yelling. "Javik, please wait," and following him. Garrus found himself sighing for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

"That was pretty tense there for a minute," Kaidan said as he walked up next to Garrus.

Garrus turned to look at Kaidan. "Yeah. Well, we all know who would have lost that one."

"You can say that again. You handled it well, though." There was a brief silence between the two as Garrus thought about what Tali had said. _He's the only person on this entire ship who's been where you are now. He'll know more than anyone else._

Kaidan interrupted his thoughts. "Listen, Garrus, everyone's just under a lot of stress right now. You know with coming down from the war, nothing working, not knowing what's going on. Joker didn't mean –"

"Yeah. I know," is all Garrus said.

More silence.

"And…for what it's worth, I think you're doing a great job at getting everyone moving and focused again." Kaidan said as he turned to go.

"Wait, Kaidan. I…." Garrus wasn't sure he was making the right decision, but he decided to go with it anyway.

Kaidan stopped, curious. "Yeah?"

"Could we…talk? Somewhere maybe more private? Or…later, if you have the time."

"Talk? Uh…yeah. Yeah." Kaidan said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Come by anytime. I'm uh, going to set up a workshop outside. This planet, it- it's not a bad place to be stranded on. It's pretty beautiful actually. I just need to get out of here for a while, you know? Oh, and don't worry. I'll have my gun with me, since my biotics aren't quite up to par yet."

Along with everyone else's Kaidan's bio-amp had been badly damaged by that mysterious wave of energy. He had been the one to volunteer to try and get everyone's working again, being the best candidate for the job.

"I'll do that. Thanks, Major." Garrus said.

Kaidan tried to give a reassuring smile. "Anytime."

Garrus watched as Kaidan left him alone in the hallway. He couldn't figure out how he really felt about all of this.

_I wonder what he's thinking. He seems so calm, so well adjusted to all of this. _

_And yet I feel anything but. _

_Author's note__: I intend to have the next chapter up sooner than usual if possible, perhaps by Monday or Tuesday 6/20 so with luck there –might- be two chapters next week. I feel I need to do a lot of character research on Kaidan before I can write the next part as true to his character as possible._


	8. Chapter 8: Hindsight

_Chapter 8: Hindsight_

It was late afternoon when Garrus finally ran out of things to do. He had been avoiding Kaidan and everyone else on the ship as much as possible as he tried to figure out the answer to his questions on his own. _Let the crew go home or make them help me find Shepard? _But his soul searching had yielded no answers.

Garrus found himself quickening his pace as he once again walked through the CIC. It was dead now, with no crew there, no EDI, and no Shepard. It was eerie being the only one on that floor when it used to be essential to the war, but he had to move through it in order to get to the airlock. As the airlock door opened, Garrus was blasted with a gust of wind. It was strangely refreshing after being inside the main battery by himself all day. He stepped outside and saw that the planet's sun was low in the sky. And he also saw Kaidan.

Kaidan had set himself up with a makeshift table out of crates. Bio-amp parts and tools were scattered all over them. Kaidan stopped his work when he saw Garrus and waited for him to come over.

"Hey Garrus, I was wondering when you'd stop by."

Garrus stopped near Kaidan, shifting uneasily. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I, uh, just had some things-"

Kaidan waved his hand. "No need to explain, Garrus. We're all, uh, a little busy lately." Garrus tried to smile gratefully in response. Kaidan picked up one of the amp parts. "So… what did you want to talk to me about?"

Here it was. The question he had been dreading answering all day. Garrus supposed there was no going back, now.

"I…wanted to talk to you…about Shepard."

Kaidan paused and looked at Garrus. Garrus noted that while his face was serious, he didn't seem to be angry or even that surprised. Still, when Kaidan started working again, Garrus relaxed a little.

"Yeah, I kind of figured it was something like that."

_So, he knew._

"Yeah um, yeah it's strange, isn't it? We – we never really have talked about it before. About her." Kaidan mused.

"We were pretty busy with other things. And besides, we didn't need to."

Kaidan half-smiled, still looking at what he was doing. "Yeah, you're probably right. So what did you want to know, exactly?"

Garrus took a deep breath and before he realized it, everything came tumbling out. "I, uh…how did you deal with it, Kaidan? Shepard's death. I…it's driving me crazy. I don't know what to do. I…I want – I need to find her and…bring her back. But I can't force the crew to do that if this war really is over. They've served well, they deserve to go home. But…how would you deal with this? How did you deal with this, Kaidan?"

The awkward yet light atmosphere that had existed between them suddenly changed. Garrus knew he had hit a sore spot when Kaidan stopped working and put his hands on the table, looking down. He was silent for so long that Garrus began to wonder if he had made a mistake.

Kaidan exhaled and looked at Garrus. "That's a hell of a question, Garrus."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"No…. Don't be. Truth is that we probably should have talked about this weeks ago. We can say we didn't because of the war, but I don't know if we ever would have gotten around to it even after the war. I guess just hoped I would never have to."

"Sorry. Didn't want to open old wounds." Garrus said quietly.

"They're not that old, are they?" Kaidan said just as quietly.

"No, I guess not."

Kaidan pushed off the table and turned to Garrus. "If we're going to talk about this, I think we should take the chance to get it all out in the open. Clear the air. I just…I don't even know where to start. I um, I guess, well…to understand me, maybe you need to understand _us_, Garrus, and what we were before…Shepard died. In the Collector attack. How much did you know, exactly?

"Not a lot. I wasn't paying too much attention to what was happening on the ship in those days. In hindsight, I probably should've, but I was too wrapped up in my own damn ideals and finding Saren. I did know the two of you were…close, though. I just don't know all the details."

"Well...you probably still don't want to know all the details, but I…I fell in love with her. I…I think just about from the moment I saw her, I loved her." A sort of wistful look came over Kaidan's face now, and he absent-mindedly picked up his tools as his mind went back to a happier time. "And…I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, and she was so confident…I'd heard about her, but to actually see and meet her in person…Shepard's just so charismatic, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." Garrus said softly.

"I…I didn't want to. Fall in love. I fought it for a little while even - 'cause of Alliance regs, I thought it could never happen. Besides that, I didn't know if she was even really interested at first. But then the flirting progressed into…more, and she told me she didn't care about regs, then one thing led to another…."

Garrus looked away, toward the setting sun. It wasn't something he exactly wanted to hear, but he understood that Kaidan needed to talk about it.

"After we beat Saren and brought down Sovereign we were together for a little while. It was great. Probably the best days of my life. But um," Kaidan swallowed hard. "Then the Collector attack happened and…." He sighed and looked at Garrus again.

"I _wanted_ to stay. But she ordered me to go. I didn't want to – I had a bad feeling about it - but I respected her enough to follow her order. And then we got - when the escape pods were recovered and we got out…I asked where Shepard was and they told me she didn't make it, that they didn't know where she was, where her body was…they told me that officially, she was considered killed in action. And I mean we're soldiers so… it's not a surprise, it shouldn't be. We should learn to –" Kaidan shook his head. "But…it's – it was…I felt sick to my stomach. I was in shock."

"Yeah. I know what you mean. It was hard to believe when I heard it." Garrus said.

"I just- I was in denial for a while and then I…went through, you know, the grieving process and….But I didn't really – it took me a while to even get to that point. I had survivor's guilt pretty bad. I just kept telling myself 'If I hadn't left, if I had made Shepard get on the shuttle and I had been the one to save Joker'…. And this was the second time I could have stopped a comrade's death. After Ashley died, I had to deal with that guilt and then with Shepard's death it was back all over again. It was a lot for me to deal with in such a short amount of time." Kaidan looked at Garrus. "You probably don't want to hear about this."

"No, no. This is…this is what I need to hear. Please."

"Yeah. Alright." Kaidan was silent for a moment before continuing and Garrus figured he was trying to pull himself together. "You know I…every day, I wished I had been the one. And even after I was able to move on from that…even though we had been together for such a short time, there was this hole in my life now. I mean, how do you have someone like Shepard and…and lose her?" Kaidan said, looking at Garrus.

"I…I know what you mean." It was strange to hear the same things he had been feeling coming from someone else's mouth. Garrus understood now why Tali had pushed him to talk to Kaidan.

"So, uh, then I saw her on Horizon and…everything I had known, everything I had worked so hard to accept….It was just taken and thrown out the window. My whole world was turned upside down. The woman I loved was _alive_. It was like a dream…that turned into a nightmare once I had learned about her ties to Cerberus. I had heard things before we met up, but seeing – I didn't know she was working for them, not like that.

And I didn't know, I didn't even know if it was really her, and… I was scared for her not to _be_ her. But I was also afraid for it to be true _and_ for it to be a dream. I know that doesn't make sense but…I was just scared that maybe it was just someone who looked like her. The other alternative was that she really was alive but that she had turned into someone else completely who worked for Cerberus, or that they were using her…" Kaidan sighed and shook his head. "I just…I don't know. I was just confused. Confused, hurt and angry."

"I was there. You were so focused on Cerberus that you couldn't see anything else. But it was a tough situation, Kaidan. You can't blame yourself for that."

Kaidan turned to Garrus, almost angry. "Well, I do. I messed up and I'll admit that. I regret what I said more than anything. You want to know why?" Hearing the anger in his own voice, Kaidan stopped and wiped his forehead with one hand. "After I…after Horizon, I guess that's when you and Shepard…."

Garrus scratched his head, a bit uncomfortable. "Yeah. But… it wasn't right after that Kaidan. Everyone could see Shepard was…she was really upset about the whole thing. But she tried her best to move on."

Kaidan was looking at Garrus intently now, his attention riveted to every word he said.

"I don't want to put words in her mouth, but she told me a few things and we all saw a few things. I know that, in Shepard's mind Horizon was the end of your relationship. From her point of view she was just doing the best she could with what she was given, and you wouldn't even talk to her. Shepard…Shepard mentioned once or twice that she thought you didn't want anything to do with her, and I know it crushed her." Kaidan looked down, obviously feeling guilty and Garrus tentatively carried on.

"She was forced to accept it and move on, and Tali and I were her only two friends left from the original crew that were with her. She…Shepard saved me, in every sense of the word. She pulled my ass out of the fire on Omega and she helped me with my own problems despite all the crap we had to deal with, despite all the things on her mind. So when she approached me, yeah I felt like I owed her a chance. I felt like I owed _us_ a chance. And Kaidan… I just know that, for Shepard at least, it was over between you two. I don't think Shepard would ever betray you like that."

Kaidan was silent for a few seconds while he worked. Garrus guessed that Shepard had never really talked about that time in detail with him and wondered if he had done the right thing. He felt it was necessary for Kaidan to know though, that she didn't just move on without a second thought and that their relationship wasn't something she had done just to spite Kaidan.

"That's what I meant, Garrus. Horizon was my fault and I screwed up big time. I drove her away from me, straight into your arms. You were there, and I wasn't. And I'm paying for that."

Garrus and Kaidan stood there in the dying rays of the sun, staring at each other. Something, some feeling passed between them as they finally came to understand each other's feelings for Shepard.

"But there's something else I need to say. Even after our fight on Horizon, Shepard was there for me. On Mars she only tried to defend herself, didn't get angry. She visited me in the hospital on the Citadel despite me still asking her about Cerberus .Things were rough with what had just happened to Earth, and there were a lot of emotions running high. Things got confusing, but… I owe you an apology Garrus. I… invited Shepard out for dinner one day on the Citadel, even though I knew you guys were…together. But I thought it was just a fling or- or a rebound or maybe even some way to get back at me. I just…I thought I still had a chance. I was stupid."

Garrus - having heard previously through word of mouth about this – merely shook his head. "No need to apologize. I understand. A lot of things got lost in translation and we had bigger things to worry about."

"Thanks, Garrus. You're a good guy. But I still shouldn't have done it. I told her I still loved her but – with us slowly becoming friends again I guess I misinterpreted what it was between us and…well, she turned me down. And it hurt. It hurt… a lot to know for sure that I had messed up my chance with her. But, honestly I was just glad after all that had happened between us, that I could have her in my life, even as a friend." Kaidan turned to Garrus again. "I still love her, Garrus and I'd do anything to be with her again. But…I was just grateful to be able to be back here on the Normandy on good terms with her. And…I'm glad that if it couldn't be me, that it was you."

Garrus was a bit taken aback, but grateful he hadn't ruined their friendship. "Thanks, Kaidan. That means a lot."

Kaidan put a presumably fixed bio-amp aside. "So now here we are. The entire galaxy is going through hell and Shepard's MIA, and… it's killing me inside that she's gone, that we had to leave her behind." Kaidan said, voice suddenly breaking. "I haven't been able to sleep much since we landed here. It's all coming back, all the guilt, the nightmares. It's just like the first time. There's just been so many times that I've lost her and… I think this is it."

Kaidan looked at Garrus, his eyes red. "I'm sorry I can't give you any better advice but…I don't really know how to deal with it either. I'm not over Shepard, not in any way. Before this, I was trying to move on again, accept her as just a friend. But I can't accept her death. Not yet. So I've just been focusing on getting off this planet, trying to do whatever I can to help." Kaidan gestured to the parts on the crates before him.

"Going back to what you were saying about looking for Shepard….If you want to find her, I say go for it. I might not be the best person to be asking this but…if I had been able to have that chance to find Shepard when the Collector attack happened, to find her and bring her back, I would have done it in a heartbeat, no matter what I had to do or who I had to use to do it. I realize that now. I didn't realize it back on Horizon, but I do now.

Shepard's a good woman, an amazing woman that I'll probably never have. I mean, she's probably saved the entire galaxy. She's worth it, Garrus. She's worth our time and she's worth their time. Shepard's…her body deserves to be found if nothing else. And I think that everyone needs that closure, to know what happened to her. Especially us. Whatever happened, it's…it is what it is, and all we can do now is react to it. But I think that the crew would want to try and find her. I know it'd give me a purpose and… hope, that I'll see her again. That's all I want right now Garrus, and…I know that's all you want."

Garrus nodded slowly, recognizing the truth of Kaidan's words. He'd made it all sound so simple, so obvious that Garrus wondered why he couldn't see it before. When he looked at Kaidan, he noticed he the tears in his eyes and Garrus understood how difficult this had been for him to talk about.

"Thanks Kaidan. Thanks…for everything." Garrus said, meaning more than he could say. He had a feeling that Kaidan understood though when he nodded back and wiped his eyes.

"Yeah. I think I'm going to take a break. If you need me - if you need anything at all, just let me know." Kaidan looked at Garrus. "I need this too, Garrus. So, uh…just let me know," he said, putting down his tools.

Garrus nodded once and Kaidan walked past him, headed to the Normandy. Garrus now understood that he'd be doing this for more than just Shepard or his own sanity. Alone now, Garrus once again looked toward the setting sun. He stood there for a while admiring it while he tried to absorb everything Kaidan had said. For the first time since they had landed, Garrus took notice of the planet's two moons, rock formations and waterfalls. _Kaidan was right. It's beautiful here_. _I wish I could show it to her. _

Thinking back on Kaidan and Shepard's brief relationship, he made a realization. Even though every single one of their teammates had been incredible, Shepard had chosen _Garrus_ - someone not even from her own species. He had vowed long ago to spend every day of their lives together making sure she knew how grateful he was for that. And if Shepard was no longer amongst the living, then he would thank her the only way he could.

_Shepard…if you're still alive…hold on. Hold on a little longer. I'm going to find you and bring you home._


	9. Chapter 9: Hope

_Chapter 9: Hope_

Garrus looked down at his hand as it came away from his chest. It was covered in blood. His blood. He had screwed up, gotten injured in the final fight against the Reapers. Despite doing his best, despite doing things _right_ – it hadn't been enough.

_No…NO._

He had to keep up with her; he had to be there for her. He had to have Shepard's back. And if they were going to die, it would be together, guns blazing. Screams and yelling were going on around him. Garrus realized he was surrounded by soldiers fighting and dying against Reaper forces. He looked around desperately, but couldn't find the one face he wanted to see most.

"Shepard!"

Could she see him anymore? Was she…had she left him already? Garrus tried to get up but slipped and fell in the mud beneath him.

It was raining. Shepard had told him that it always rains in London.

"You have to keep fighting, Garrus!"

Suddenly Shepard was standing over him, somehow unscathed, clean and whole. Everything else, the rain, the screams, the Reapers and the people around them – it all faded to the background. Though on some level he knew he was seeing a ghost, Garrus thought Shepard was somehow the realest thing there right now.

And she was right. The only way forward was to keep moving and to keep fighting.

Garrus took her hand and she pulled him up. His wounds ached, but he didn't care. Her very presence seemed to soothe his pain and invigorate him.

Then she was looking back at something he couldn't see and he was instantly terrified. This thing, whatever it was, was going to pull her away from him. Garrus knew it in his heart and soul. Everything in his life seemed to culminate in this moment. All that he had been through, that _they _had been through together – he knew that this was it. This would be his last chance to tell her how he felt. That he would again be lost without her, that he needed her, that he loved her. That she _had_ to stay. But he also knew that this thing, this terrible thing that was pulling her away – Garrus knew that it was important too. He knew that it would always stand between them, even though it was also what had brought them together. But maybe, maybe this time she could….

"Whatever happens…you know I love you. I always will." Shepard said, holding his face and looking into his eyes. It was happening all over again.

"Shepard, I…." Garrus tried to tell her with his eyes what he could never find the words to say every time she'd left. And he knew that this was the last time she would ever leave. _Stay_. It was only one simple word. As Garrus gazed back into her bright blue eyes, he thought that something inside them was begging him to ask her. To ask her to change her mind about leaving and say that she would be his forever. But he knew that was the one thing she couldn't do, and she did too. Instead he heard himself finally saying "I love you, too."

And too soon she was walking, running away in the pouring rain as he vainly reached out.

Garrus fell down in the mud on his hands and knees. "Stay with me, Shepard." Garrus whispered, far too late.

* * *

Garrus opened his eyes to the familiar view of space above him. He didn't have to look over to know the spot next to him was still empty. This was far from the first dream he had had about her, but it was the most potent yet. As he sat up, he wondered if he would have these dreams for the rest of his life.

Three light taps at the door.

"Garrus? Can I come in?" A muffled voice asked. Liara.

Garrus looked down, remembering that he was only wearing boxers. Then he decided he didn't care. "It's open!" he yelled, not bothering to get up.

The door slid back and Liara walked in briskly. She hesitated though, when she saw that Garrus wasn't fully dressed. "I'm sorry; I thought you'd be up." Liara said. She continued walking however, until she stood in front of him.

"It is pretty late," she added. "It's already afternoon on this planet."

Garrus didn't say anything. He _never_ slept in late. He couldn't even remember a time where a turian had. Idly he wondered if it was punishable by death on Palaven. Well, he had always said he was a bad turian.

Liara's look softened when she got no response, no witty remark. She sat down on the bed next to him. "It's about what Admiral Hackett said, isn't it? Or was it another bad dream?"

What Admiral Hackett said. _Yeah, that might have something to do with it._

They had finally gotten some form of communication up yesterday, and the first person Garrus had Traynor contact was Admiral Hackett. It hadn't been easy getting through to him. Due to that, Garrus had guessed that the problems the Normandy experienced weren't exclusive to them, even before he got any confirmation.

The entire crew had assembled in the CIC to hear what Hackett had to say about the state of the galaxy. And Shepard.

"Can't tell…glad I am…Normandy." Hackett's voice cut in and out. Garrus crossed his arms. He was standing near the galaxy map but he refused to go up the steps. That would mean he was standing Shepard where usually commanded the Normandy. And he just wasn't ready for the implications of that. "Can you clear it up some Traynor? I don't think I need to tell you how important it is that we hear him loud and clear." Garrus said to Traynor, who was standing beside him.

"I'll try, Com- um, Gar- uh, it will be more difficult without…" Traynor sighed and looked down at her console. "Never mind. I'll do my best."

"An…ear…Normandy? …peat, can you hear me Normandy?" Hackett said.

"Good work Traynor." Garrus said. Traynor half-smiled and nodded in response. "Yes, Admiral Hackett we read you. There's still some static on our end but this is the best we can do. This is Garrus Vakarian. I'll be speaking on behalf of the Normandy crew." Garrus realized how odd it might sound that a turian was speaking for an Alliance ship and added, "Officially Major Alenko is the commanding officer, but I've, uh, unofficially taken command of the Normandy for now. Can you give us a status update on the war?" Garrus _was_ curious about the war, but what he really wanted to know about was Shepard. Still, he knew he had a duty to perform and that his own personal questions would have to wait.

"…don't know much either. Communications…still a mess…one of the first ships to contact us. I'll give you…facts...per forces appear to be dead or inactive, I repeat, the Reaper forces…to be dead or inactive…looks like we've won."

There was a brief moment of silence and then an explosion as the room erupted with cheers and motion. Garrus looked behind him and saw that everyone was jumping, hugging, high-fiving, even taking off their hat and throwing it if they had one.

"Whoo-hoo!" Vega yelled as he slapped Kaidan on the back, nearly knocking him down. Cortez grabbed Kaidan to steady him, laughing. "I'm all right, I'm all right," he assured them, smiling himself.

Javik looked only astonished until Liara surprised him by touching his shoulder. "It's all right Javik. It's finally over." Garrus didn't get to see his response because Tali – even sick as she still was – jumped on him, hugging him while sobbing. Garrus hesitated and then hugged her back. This was what they had been working toward for the past few years; she deserved to be happy, _he_ should be happy but….

Tali pulled back and looked at his face. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He knew then that she at least understood that he couldn't celebrate. Not yet. Hackett was talking again and Garrus, in a rare moment, raised his voice. "Alright everyone, we can celebrate later. The Admiral's got more to say."

Everyone almost immediately quieted down, even those not in Shepard's squad. The turian in Garrus couldn't help but be impressed with their discipline. He found himself understanding why they had been picked to be Anderson's crew, and why Shepard had picked the rest as her squad.

"…don't have much more information than…know…relays are…damaged or broken, and just about…machine…amaged or broken. Geth just…down all of a sudden..." Garrus looked at Joker. Even he had cracked a smile when the news broke, but now there was a grave look on his face as he began to understand what had happened to EDI.

"Admiral Hackett…what happened after we left?" Garrus paused, wondering if he had waited the appropriate amount of time, wondering if he really even wanted to know. Tali squeezed his hand again, encouraging him. "And…what happened to Shepard?" He finished.

It seemed like everybody in the room was holding their breath, it was so quiet. Garrus realized that everyone had been wondering the same thing too. And now all eyes were on him, probably wondering how he was going to react.

"After Normandy left the FOB…got reports someone…to the beam…knew it had…Shepard." Hackett said. Garrus couldn't help but smile before his realism got the better of him. _She made it; she made it to the beam._

_But that doesn't mean she's alive._

"This… last thing…heard from Shepard." Hackett said as a recording began playing.

"Shepard? Commander!" Hackett on the recording yelled.

Garrus heard grunts and groans as someone seemed to be struggling. His eyes widened as he realized it was Shepard. Garrus' heart caught in his throat as he heard a voice he hadn't heard in over two weeks.

"I, uh...what do you need me to do?" came her tired voice. She sounded…out of it. Not at all like herself.

"Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing. It's gotta be something on your end." Hackett said desperately.

Garrus heard more grunting and groaning as she struggled. _She's obviously hurt, and Hackett just keeps on pushing her, _he thought angrily.

_You know that he had to; you know that he was ready to give his life to defeat the Reapers as much as she was_, another voice argued.

"Commander Shepard!" Hackett pressed.

_Leave her alone! Can't you see she doesn't have any more left to give?_

"Wha...ugh...I don't see..." she panted. "Not sure how to..."She sounded broken, confused. Hurt. Garrus heard a few more groans after that and what might have been a soft thud.

"Commander!" Hackett yelled one last time.

Then everything turned to static.

Garrus heard a beep as Hackett turned off the recording. "That's all…got…still don't know…happened to her or commun... All we know…Crucible fired…ten minutes or so after..."

Garrus just stood there, frozen. He didn't know how to feel. He felt angry. Angry at Hackett and angry at himself for not being there. But he knew that neither truly deserved that anger. He also felt confused. Hackett had said the Crucible fired _after_ he lost contact with Shepard, and it seemed like she didn't seem like she had known how to fire it. Garrus knew that meant one of two things. Either someone or something else had fired it, or Shepard had survived and had somehow figured it out.

"…something else you should know…Citadel…verely damaged. Some of…pieces fell…Earth…found Ad…Anderson's body…must've made it…Citadel too…no sign of…pard."

Silence permeated the room. Garrus didn't know what to say. _Anderson…Dead._ Garrus knew he had been the closest thing to a father Shepard had had – and good man. He wondered if she had known before… Garrus hoped not. But the news that they hadn't found Shepard's body both disturbed and gave him hope.

"Sorry to hear that. Admiral Anderson was a good man and a damned hero as much as Shepard…" Garrus broke off. He had been about to say 'was' but changed what he was going to say instead. "I'll make sure we do our part to honor his sacrifice."

Garrus felt like he needed to lie down suddenly. It had been a long day getting the comms up and running and this was a lot to hear, a lot to process. "Thanks for the information, Admiral. If… that's all, the Normandy will be in touch again soon. We just finished ship repairs yesterday. I'll let you know when we're headed out."

"Keep…Normandy…crew safe…til she's back…the Alliance. We'll need…the help we can get…oming months. Hackett out."

Garrus pulled his hand out of Tali's and turned to face the crew. They were all staring at him, waiting for him to do or say…_something_. Garrus wasn't interested in sharing his feelings with them however. "Someone make sure to make a nameplate for Admiral Anderson. His name deserves to be up there on that memorial wall as much as…." Garrus broke off again.

Tali touched his arm. "Garrus," was all she said.

"Make one for Shepard too," he said shortly. Without another word, he made his way through the crowd to the elevator. All he wanted was to be alone to try and figure out his thoughts.

Garrus had ended the night staring at that picture of the two of them for what seemed the tenth time since that first night alone. And he hadn't come to any conclusion. Was she dead? Was she alive, hurt and alone somewhere? If she was gone, would he ever find her body in all of destruction? All of the options only frustrated him, made him angry at himself or depressed him. It had been a bad, restless night. And then that dream….

Garrus looked at Liara next to him. She was studying him intently as she waited for an answer to her question. He didn't like it. He stood up from the bed and looked away from those inquisitive eyes.

"You had another nightmare, didn't you?" Liara asked again.

"It's both, I guess. After what Hackett said, I…I had a bad night. That's all."

"Garrus…."

Garrus turned around. "I'll be fine, Liara. What did you need me for?"

Liara sighed, seeing she wasn't going to get any more out of him – as usual. "I came to tell you…the nameplates are ready. We…thought you would want to be there when we put them up."

"The nameplates. Right." Garrus said, looking away. He remembered that he had asked them to make both Anderson's and Shepard's. He didn't even know if she was dead but if she was…it seemed right that they honor them together. "All right. Meet you down at the memorial wall."

Liara stood up and looked at Garrus for a moment. "I loved her too, Garrus," she said simply and then walked out of the cabin. Garrus just stood there, stunned. He guessed that he shouldn't have been surprised. He had heard things back when they were chasing Saren, but he had been too distracted to really notice. Now he understood that it wasn't just him and Kaidan that this would be difficult for.

Garrus grabbed his armor and started putting it on. Truthfully, he was conflicted whether or not to put Shepard's name up there. If she was gone…though it hurt to even think of it, he wanted to do right by her and put her name up there with Anderson's. But if she was alive…

Garrus finished putting on his armor and headed out of the cabin to the elevator. He went down to the third level and stepped out to see the full squad along with Joker, Cortez and Traynor standing there. Traynor silently stepped forward and handed him the two nameplates. He didn't feel right putting up Anderson's though. Garrus looked at Kaidan and walked over to him.

"You served on his original crew. You'd been working under him ever since we beat Sovereign. Besides Shepard, there's nobody here more qualified to do it." Garrus said, handing the nameplate to Kaidan.

Kaidan looked at Garrus and then looked down at the nameplate. "Yeah. I guess you're right. Thanks…Garrus." Kaidan said, walking up to the memorial board. He stared at all the names, considering where to put it. Then he placed Anderson's nameplate right the middle of the wall. He pressed his hands against it to make it stick and stepped back. "I hope you're somewhere better than this, sir." Kaidan said, saluting. As Kaidan walked back, he looked at Garrus and their eyes met. _Shepard._

It was time to start saying goodbye to her. And it killed him inside to even think of it. Garrus stared at the memorial wall, uncertain now. He knew he had to do it, if she was gone. He had to start accepting her death or he would never be able to move on. He walked slowly up to the memorial wall and looked down at the nameplate.

_Commander Shepard_, it read. She was Savior of the Galaxy, now. Against all odds, she had gathered a team together and did what no one else before her could ever accomplish– she had defeated the Reapers. Garrus ran his fingers across the words. _Commander…Shepard_. Suddenly he thought those dreams…his vision after the crash….

_Shepard had kept going, no matter how bruised and battered her mind and body were…She kept going because she had hope. _

Garrus couldn't help but smile, finally comprehending. It all made sense now. He looked up, knowing that somehow, she was alive and trying to reach out to him. She hadn't given up – not ever, and he wouldn't either. He would find her. Garrus turned around and pushed the nameplate into a very surprised Traynor's hands.

"Garrus, you – " Tali started.

"Shepard's not dead. Not yet. And I'm going to find her. She never gave up – not on any of us – and I'll be damned if I give up on her." Garrus said, facing the crew.

Kaidan smiled and stepped forward. "I won't either. I'll do whatever it takes to find her."

"Yes. Garrus is right," Liara said. "We owe her more than this. I am with you, Garrus."

Vega punched his fists together. "Hell yeah. We'll find Lola even if I have to dig her out myself!"

"You know I'm with you, Garrus. Whatever it takes." Tali said.

Garrus nodded. "Joker, set a course for Earth. We leave as soon as possible."

Joker, unlike the others, seemed undecided. "I…it's going to be tough without EDI…"

Garrus had been worried about this. But he knew Joker could handle it. "Joker, I saw what you could do before EDI; you got us into an impossible drop zone on Ilos safely. I know you can handle getting to Earth without her." Garrus said.

"Maybe…yeah. I guess you're right." Joker said, rubbing his neck. "Yeah." He said again, this time more confidently. "Shepard owes me a promise. Let's find her and collect."

Garrus strode toward the elevator, headed to the CIC. He would finally command the ship from the there. He found himself thinking of the things he and Shepard talked about before they started their last mission together on Earth. Retiring, kids…Maybe that would all still be possible. "Shepard owes me a few things too, Joker," he said. Garrus turned to the crew before the elevator closed.

"If we're lucky this will be our last mission on the Normandy. We'll find Shepard and bring her home."


	10. Chapter 10: Soon As I Can

_**Author's Note: **_

_So… Chapter 10. I don't usually like to leave long author's notes (well I do tend to but, I try not to) because I don't want to interrupt your story experience, so if you want to skip this, feel guilt-free to do so. But this is a milestone for me, so I thought it was time to have a little heart to heart. This is such a big thing for me because I have some serious commitment issues. I always want to follow through whatever I commit to 110%, so I was a little nervous about starting a fanfic for various reasons and my history isn't exactly notorious for finishing installment stories. I didn't know if anyone would like it or would even read my fics, but this story has gained [] followers at this time and I appreciate every favorite and kind review. It's mind-boggling to me that [] people want to read what I write._

_I want to say that I even more appreciate the constructive reviews. If you tell me what you like about the story, what you think I could do better on – anything really, that is well thought out, it's really helpful. I had a guest recently leave a constructive review on an issue that I won't go back and fix (I think all readers should get the same experience, and I'll leave it as a testament to my growth) but I am now more careful and conscious of that issue and have thus learned. All I want is to get better at my craft so people can enjoy my stories even more. In the same token, I had a readers leave reviews that told me what they liked specifically that I do so I try even harder to keep that aspect up for them. I'm highly critical of myself but I do make mistakes, especially in my excitement to publish my story and share it with you guys, so if you see any minor flaws even like typos or anything, feel free to PM me so I can fix it._

_But of course if you drop by and say you like the story or just favorite or follow it it's incredibly encouraging and anytime I feel like stopping or putting it off, I think of you guys who have invested your precious time and hearts in minds and took a chance on me. And I want to do my best to make sure that you don't regret it and it pays off. _

_I also have a question that may help determine an important part of the rest of the story, if I can't make up my own mind. __**Would you rather continue with Garrus as the focal/POV character or another character (like Shepard)?**__ You can let me know through a review or PM, or go here and vote on my poll (link should work if you google it). _

_I also have some bad news: this story will be going on a hiatus for a month or two until the ME Big Bang is over as I am in college right now with a lot going on and I want to finish that story as well and it has a tight deadline. That will be my biggest writing project to date. You can read about it at xelestial dot tumblr dot com backslash fanfiction at works near the bottom if you wish (link is also in my profile). But I assure you, I will finish this story as long as I'm able to._

_Thanks for your time, and I hope you enjoy these next two chapters as I fought with many evil plot bunnies to achieve them._

_-Xelestial_

* * *

_Chapter 10: Soon As I Can_

Garrus stared at Shepard's terminal – yes, he still thought of everything in the room, and the room itself, as hers. He deleted what he had typed so far - for what seemed the tenth time - and sighed, exasperated. _Why is this always so hard?_ He decided to try again. He knew that with voice communications still sometimes unreliable this would be the only sure way he could contact her anytime soon. Besides, if she heard his voice then she'd be able to tell how he really felt. And then of course she'd pry and Garrus just wasn't ready to talk about the past five months yet.

_Sol-_

_Sorry I'm so late in responding. It's been crazy to say the least, with communications still unpredictable. Hope you and dad are still doing alright. Good to hear the leg's healing well. Any word on when you'll be out of the cast? _

_I'm sorry, but I can't come to visit you yet. With the mass relays damaged, it's taking forever to get from system to system and there's one more thing I need to take care of. Let me know if you've hear anything else about mom. Glad she was in Salarian space when this damn war started. I'm sure the treatments are going well but…I just want to be sure. Anyway, when I'm done here I'll come to see you and dad as soon as I can. Maybe we can all go visit mom sometime._

_I'll be in touch soon._

_-G.V._

Garrus clicked the Send button and leaned back in Shepard's chair. Sol would probably be mad again. Their relationship had gotten better when Garrus returned to Palaven for those long six months before the Reaper invasion, though he knew she was still upset that he wasn't around much anymore. And Garrus knew Sol could take care of herself, but he often still worried for her and his mom. Things had gotten better for them now that his dad had retired, but he always felt like they needed him still.

And he had waited almost a month before responding to her last message. All he had told her in his first email was that he was still alive. Then less a week later she'd sent him a message back along with their location and letting him know they were all okay. And of course, she wanted to know when Garrus was going to come see them.

But he had put off a response, telling himself that Sol might not get the message anyway, that text communications might not be fully working where she was, and making all kinds of excuses about how he'd do it tomorrow. He figured Sol wouldn't be expecting a response anyway, given the circumstances and his track record. And Garrus wasn't really the greatest at remembering to do stuff like checking and sending emails – he thought there were usually much more important things to do. But in truth, the thought of talking to Sol made him nervous. Nervous that she might start prying about why he wasn't coming to see them or that his mom was….

Garrus shook his head and stood up. _No use in worrying about it. _Garrus left the room and took the elevator to the CIC. It was now a bustling center of activity as the crew made the long voyage to Earth. Though dedicated, they seemed less enthusiastic now than when they had first set off months ago. But today would be the day they finally reached Earth. Still, Garrus decided to stop by Traynor, who was still working on getting communications back up to one hundred percent. They were fine enough in Garrus' opinion, but she wouldn't rest until they were exactly how she wanted them.

"Traynor."

She had been turned around, so she jumped when she heard his voice behind her. "Oh, you scared me. Um, yes, sir – er, Garrus?"

Garrus wouldn't let the crew call him anything but his name, and certainly not Commander, but military discipline had been run deep into most of them, and they usually ended up deferring to him in some way anyway.

"Sorry about that. Just wanted to know if I could talk to you for a minute about the crew."

"Oh, of course. What do you need?"

"I'm not the best at reading people, but I've been noticing some drag around here for the past few weeks. Do you think….Am I pushing them too hard, Traynor?" Garrus said, unsure. He wasn't used to being in a leadership position for a prolonged period of time. He had only done that once and that had ended badly precisely _because_ he couldn't read people. He thought this time he'd try to avoid a crisis before it happened.

"Well, uh…actually, I'm glad you asked. I'm not the best at it either, but I _do_ think the crew is starting to get a little burnt out. I think… well, we're all so used to having the mass relays to zip back and forth that we've never really been on a voyage this long without some shore leave in between." Traynor said, rubbing her hands together nervously. "And with the Commander, we were always stopping at some planet, doing some exciting thing. So this is just a different pace for us, I think. But coming back to Earth again will renew their vigor, I'm sure of it." Traynor ended with a smile.

Garrus nodded. It made sense. This was Commander Shepard's crew. Every day they were on a new planet doing some mission or visiting the Citadel for R&R. And they had been cooped up in this ship for weeks between clusters, in dark space. The only thing keeping Garrus himself from going crazy was the fact that they were moving toward a goal – toward the only thing he cared about right now. Well, that and his turian discipline.

Besides that, there had been quite a few problems to attend to, like finding fuel, supplies and planets to discharge the drive core on, not to mention ship maintenance. But it had been mostly smooth trip. This was Commander Shepard's crew. They were some of the best at what they did. Still, they were only…organic. He didn't even want to think about the possibility of a mutiny, though he doubted very much that it'd happen.

"Any estimate on when we'll reach Earth? I know Joker said it wouldn't be too much longer. "

"Actually, he was just asking when you were going to come down, so I'd guess soon."

"Thanks, Traynor." Garrus said, patting her on the shoulder. He then walked past her, across the CIC and arrived at the cockpit, behind the pilot's seat.

The first weeks had been hard for Joker, he knew. Without EDI or her voice there. But he also knew Joker was still holding out hope that she could be brought back somehow, and that was part of what kept him going.

"You needed me, Joker?"

Joker swiveled in his chair to face Garrus. "Hey, Garrus. Finally. Just thought you'd wanna know that the ETA for Earth is less than an hour.

"That soon?"

Joker nodded. "Yup."

Garrus couldn't help but smile. "That has to be the best news I've heard in months, Joker." He turned to leave, but stopped. "Just wanted to say you've done a great job despite everything. You're a damn good pilot," he added.

"'Bout time you noticed." Joker simply replied, turning back around in his chair. Garrus chuckled and left back toward the CIC.

_Finally…I'll get to see her…._

It had been a long journey without the mass relays, but the Normandy's cutting edge tech had helped them immensely, as the ship could run at FTL speeds for much longer than the average ship. Tali's knowledge had also been invaluable on the trip – no one knew about traveling for long periods of time in space with hardly any supplies like a quarian. All of that combined with the dedicated crew had made for what might have been the fastest FTL trip in thousands of years.

The only problem they had really encountered was not being able to discharge static buildup between clusters, which had begun to damage the ship. But Garrus doubted that any other ship with any other team of engineers could have made the trip so safely and quickly. And now they were almost there. To Earth. To Shepard.

And she would be there. Waiting for him, he hoped. Probably irritated that he took so long too, if he knew her. Garrus didn't know if he could have kept the faith alive all these months if he hadn't known for sure that she was still alive, if Hackett hadn't told him. Garrus remembered how stunned he'd felt when Hackett contacted him with the news, about three months ago.

He had been in his – in Shepard's quarters, thinking about her instead of reading maintenance reports as usual when Traynor's voice came over the com.

"Com- ah, Garrus, there's a call from Admiral Hackett for you."

Garrus immediately snapped out of his daydreams – something he hadn't been prone to having in years before the last few months – and hit the intercom button.

"Put him through."

Garrus heard a beep and then Hackett's grizzled voice was filling the room.

"Vakarian, I've got some news your crew will be interested in. And it's big."

"I'm listening," Garrus responded, curious now.

"It's about Shepard. She's alive."

Garrus heard what Hackett said well enough and even understood it, but it took a few moments before his mind could even begin to grasp what it _really_ meant.

"Alive? What – how? You're sure?" he stuttered.

"We've got confirmation of her dog tags on a female that was found within the parts of the Citadel that fell to Earth. We don't have a lot of information on her status or specific whereabouts though. All we know is that a group of Citadel survivors organized to find her when they heard where she had been when the Crucible fired."

_Group of…for Shepard? Do they even know her?_ Garrus knew that Shepard had touched a lot of lives, especially on the Citadel, but during a time like this, for them to come together and try to find her….Well, it was incredible.

"I've been told that she's been getting the best care available once people heard who she was. But unfortunately I hear that's not much on Earth right now, especially in the zones where parts of the Citadel fell. All we know about her condition is that she's alive, nothing else. We'll send along the coordinates that we were able to nail down. They're only for a very general area and most of those camps are temporary, but it's all we've got right now."

Garrus was still trying to process what he had just heard, daring himself to believe it. But he tried to pull himself together to at least get through this call.

"Right. I understand. Please send whatever you've got our way. If she's out there, we'll find her. That much I can promise you," Garrus hesitated before adding, "Thank you."

"She's a hell of a soldier and a friend of mine too. Find her and bring her back to the Alliance. Hackett out." Hackett said before cutting the link.

Garrus just sat there then, staring at nothing. _She's alive…Shepard is alive._

But another voice, the realist in himself didn't want to believe. Was too scared to truly believe.

_They said they found a female with her dog tags…what if someone found her body? They could have easily stolen her identity to get better medical attention. Wouldn't be new; saw it all the time in C-sec._

_But she's alive. You know that. If you didn't, you would have put her name up on that memorial board two months ago. You wouldn't already be heading to Earth right now._

Garrus sighed. There was no use in trying to think about it. He finally just let go and let himself feel…happy. He kept repeating it in his head. _Shepard's alive…Shepard's __**alive**__. _

There'd beno more wondering if he was doing the right thing in taking the crew to find her. And soon there would be no more lonely nights, no more of the empty place he always felt in his stomach, his heart, his very core. Soon, he'd be able to be with her, see her smile, make her laugh. Protect her so they'd never have to be apart like this again. All he had to do was find her.

And now, he was almost there. In a few hours, he was going to finally find Shepard.


	11. Chapter 11: Finding Shepard

_Author's Note: Originally a part of Chapter 10, the flow/readability felt smoother for me to separate it._

_Chapter 11: Finding Shepard_

Garrus stepped out of the shuttle. It had been easier to go in than the Normandy, which was still likely having a hard time touching down in the jam-packed landing zone. He hadn't known what to expect Earth would be like after the war, but he didn't think it was this.

There was air traffic, but almost all of it appeared to be military grade vehicles. There was debris everywhere from the Citadel still, and hundreds of people trying to gather it for removal or search through it. It looked like the Alliance had tried to stop civilians from doing so at one point since there were barricades, but they now mostly maintained a watchful silence over civilians as they looked for possessions, homes or maybe even loved ones.

There were also many large tents set up all over the bleak and battered landscape as far as Garrus could see. He didn't see any dead Reapers where he was and guessed that the military had removed what they could of them as quickly as they could. There wasn't just Alliance here either, but asari, turians, and krogan helping out in various ways.

"It's strange to see everyone together like this." Tali commented beside him.

"Probably remnants of the force Shepard brought to Earth. Might even be some quarians around here too, helping with tech."

Tali nodded. "We have a very strong sense of society. We'd never abandon our allies in a time of need."

Liara's cool voice came from beside him. "I'll see what intel I can get. It should be much easier to locate my contacts now that we're here."

Garrus nodded and Liara went off a little ways by herself, already pulling out her omni-tool. With communications still erratic, Liara said she'd probably need to be planet-side to get better information and get in touch with her contacts here.

"Having the Shadow Broker as a friend never gets old." Tali said.

"Seriously." Kaidan agreed. He had wanted to come along too, and Garrus couldn't blame him. Vega had gone along to see what he could do to help the Alliance while they were there, making the group promise to tell him when they had found "Lola".

"We will cover more area if we spread out." Javik suggested. He walked off without waiting for a response and Garrus held out an arm, about to say something, but then dropped it. He just hoped the prothean's looks and…honest demeanor wouldn't offend anyone. Though he had gotten a bit warmer since the war ended.

"Looks like it's just us for now. Let's get going." Garrus said.

"My thoughts exactly." Kaidan replied.

The three first stopped at a camp filled with refugees in line for food. They split up and tried to get information out of the people there, but were only met with confusion. But one man asked if Shepard hadn't died when the Citadel fell. The question sparked some anger in Garrus, but he simply left without a word and gathered up Kaidan and Tali to go to the next camp.

After three more refugee camps and a few Alliance soldiers with no answers, Liara finally contacted Garrus on his radio. Garrus stopped and held up one hand for Kaidan and Tali to halt before placing a finger to his earpiece.

"What've you got, Liara?"

"I've found Shepard, Garrus. There are still plenty of survivors in the Citadel's Presidium area and I can't believe they were able to get her in, but she was somehow moved to Huerta Memorial. Apparently one man ruffled a few feathers to do so. I believe this man also may be the one who organized the group that found her."

Garrus found himself wondering who this mystery man was. Every man he knew Shepard was close to was in the Alliance or on the Normandy.

Liara continued. "If you want to go see her right now, the hospital should have calmed down a little as most people with heavy wounds after the war would have…well, you shouldn't have too much trouble getting in right now." Liara said.

"She's on the Citadel? I had heard rumors that there were survivors, but nothing like this. Why couldn't Hackett find her then? Why didn't he tell us?" Garrus asked, frustrated but happy. He turned around to go back toward the shuttle and signaled for Tali and Kaidan to follow him. He was thankful that the Citadel was still there, floating like a damaged satellite in Earth's atmosphere.

"I'm not sure. It's possible that this move was only done very recently. It wasn't easy information to find, even for me."

"Thanks, Liara. We'll meet you back at the shuttle." Garrus said. He wondered how bad Shepard's injuries must be that she was still in the hospital after all this time and found himself worrying again. He also wished for the thousandth time that he could have been there with her this whole time. But Garrus supposed it didn't matter now. He would be soon enough.

"Garrus?" Tali asked as they walked.

"She's in Huerta. Someone got her moved there, probably recently." Garrus responded absentmindedly.

"It's been five months and she's still in the hospital?" Kaidan said, anxious.

"Surviving the Crucible blast and the fall from the Citadel couldn't have been easy." Tali pointed out.

"It doesn't matter. We know where she is and where we have to go. Whatever condition she's in, she's still Shepard." Garrus almost snapped. He could feel Tali looking at him, but he didn't care.

Kaidan nodded. "Garrus is right. We didn't come this far to look back now. We'll bring her home no matter what's happened."

* * *

Garrus walked alone into the bustling Huerta Memorial. He dodged a nurse headed out only to have to sidestep a doctor with her head buried in charts. He wondered if Dr. Michel was okay. He knew she would still be there if she was, trying to help out in whatever way she could.

After the group had gotten back to the shuttle, they all agreed to that Garrus should go in alone, at least at first. Both for obvious reasons and out of respect for the couple. And also because they figured the hospital's waiting room would be too full to accommodate all of them. It was Tali's idea, but everyone easily agreed except for Kaidan, who did so reluctantly.

"But I'll be there the moment you call me," he assured Garrus.

As Garrus deftly weaved in between people, he was glad he'd taken the opportunity to change into his slimmer casual clothing when they'd docked the Normandy on the Citadel. Finally, he approached the receptionist's counter, and impatiently waited in line for his turn. It felt like hours by the time he finally got to her, as the old human couple in front of him teetered off to the elevator. Garrus put his hands down on the counter as the asari receptionist tiredly asked, "Can I help you?"

"I need to find a patient. Actually, you probably know her. Commander Shepard of the Alliance."

The receptionist just slowly blinked at him as she typed. "Please wave your omni-tool over there so we can figure out who you are. What's your relation to the patient?"

Garrus hesitated. He wasn't really sure what to say. He'd never really been asked the question before. He decided to go with what he thought the slow receptionist could understand.

"I'm her boyfriend." Garrus said, looking to the side.

He was only met with silence and then by more typing. Finally, Garrus turned and looked at the receptionist. She was only typing and looking at her screen.

"Looks like you check out. Guess I'm in the presence of a hero, Mr. Vakarian," the receptionist said, smiling. "You're a lucky guy," she added.

Garrus looked down. "Yeah."

The receptionist typed something on her omni-tool. "There. I've transmitted the room's location to your omni-tool. You're all clear to go."

"Thanks." Garrus said, looking at his omni-tool and walking toward the elevator. Now that he was mere moments away from seeing her, he actually felt himself getting nervous. Garrus pressed the elevator button and waited. It had almost been half a year. He didn't know what to expect, what she'd be like, how she'd feel about him…anything. He hated going into things blind. Garrus stepped into the crowded elevator when it came to his floor. _There's no point in wondering about it now._

Still, Garrus couldn't help but feel a bit nervous anyway as he walked down the busy corridor, trying to find Shepard's room. He hated hospitals and he hated uncertainty, but he was still surprised to find his hands shaking a little as he stopped in front of her room. Right in those moments before the door opened, he doubted everything and remembered everything he forgot at the same time. _I should have brought flowers, wait, does she hate flowers? I've never seen - what if she's not even…. _

And then the door slid open and Garrus took a deep breath and stepped into the room. He saw a human nurse there, who looked surprised when he entered, but Garrus' eyes automatically went to the person she was checking on.

It was Shepard.


	12. Chapter 12: So Close and Yet

Shepard's blue eyes locked with Garrus' own. Suddenly, everything felt...strange. Unreal. Or maybe too real. Garrus' breath caught in his throat as Shepard stared at him with wide-eyes. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he noticed the nurse was staring at him too. It seemed as if time itself stood still.

"Shepard," he breathed finally. It seemed as if time began moving again with that one whisper. Tears filled Shepard's eyes and the nurse straightened. But something was…off, about Shepard. Garrus was still confused by some of the more complex human emotions sometimes, but he knew that the expression on her face was wrong. She didn't even seem to recognize that she was crying. Or recognize _him_.

Looking from Shepard to Garrus, the nurse immediately began moving toward Garrus, motioning for him to come with her. Garrus, confused, ignored the much-shorter nurse even as she stood before him, motioning anxiously. His eyes hadn't left Shepard's, nor hers his.

"Wait. I...I know you," Shepard's voice trembled. She didn't sound at all like the confident woman he had known.

The nurse turned to look at Shepard. "It's alright hon, we'll just be right outside. I need to talk to mister...?"

Garrus stood there, dumbstruck for a moment before finally looking down at the nurse. "Vakarian," he mumbled before turning to look back at Shepard.

Shepard's mouth opened slightly in surprise. She inhaled sharply, as if just realizing something. "Vakarian," she whispered.

"Right then, Mr. Vakarian. Can you come with me for a moment?" The nurse gently pushed Garrus out of the room as he walked backward numbly, until the door slid open and he was outside.

"I'm real sorry about this, Mr. Vakarian. All of the nurses that tend to Commander Shepard have heard about you and the rest of her crew. But you being in that room right now was something she couldn't handle. But I think you deserve to know what's going on."

Garrus snapped to attention, suddenly worried. "What _is_ going on? Just what...what's wrong with her? Is she okay?" Garrus felt fear at the edge of his mind, threatening to overcome him as a thousand different answers to his questions tumbled through his head. He tried to push them back however, and instead waited desperately for the brown haired woman to answer.

"Oh hon… I wish I could tell you. But there's a lot of red tape surrounding Commander Shepard – and that's on top of the normal privacy procedures," the nurse paused, seeing Garrus' dejected expression and added, "But, being that her condition doesn't allow her to give permission, I think you should go see administration and see what they can do. See if you can speak to her doctors and therapist. They'd be able to tell you more."

Garrus simply stood looking at the door. Shepard was in there. After months of worrying about whether or not she was even alive, he had finally found her. And after all the times in the past he had been cut off from doing what he needed to do by bureaucracy, _now _he had to deal with it again to even see her? To find out what the hell was even going on?

"I'm sorry, sugar. I know. I mean a lot of us had heard you and the Commander...I mean we'd been told…." The nurse shook her head. "Never mind. My name is Beatrix by the way. I'll be her day nurse for the rest of this week. Come back and see me when you've talked to administration. I've got to go check on the Commander."

As the nurse turned away and walked into the room, Garrus caught a glimpse of Shepard before the door closed. She was staring at her hands with wide eyes, looking just as confused as he felt. Then the door slid closed.

And Garrus was alone.

Or at least, that's how he felt. There was a constant flurry of motion as hospital staff walked around him in the hallway. But Garrus was startled out of his thoughts when he heard an agonized scream down the hall. He turned toward the sound, confused.

"Please move, sir!" a voice yelled from behind him. Garrus swiftly stepped to the side as several orderlies rushed past him. One was a krogan.

_Just what part of the hospital _is_ this? Is this where Shepard's been living all this time? By herself? _Garrus shook his head._ What the hell am I doing? I've gotta get to her, talk to her. Tell her we're getting her out of here as soon as we can. _Garrus began moving briskly down the hall, back toward the front desk. He pressed the button on his radio. "Traynor, patch me through to the crew. I've found Shepard. But there's a problem."

* * *

When the turian had stepped into the room, Shepard had felt a wave of emotion wash over her. She didn't know how to describe it. There were too many feelings mixed within it to give it a name. But it was the most feeling she had felt in months. In fact, Shepard hadn't felt much of anything strongly since she'd woke up, besides the feeling that she was slipping into depression.

It was bizarre. One moment she was just sitting there, listening to Beatrix prattle on about Shepard's new meds while she took her vitals, and then…that turian walked in. And she'd felt shaken to her very core. Tears had been flowing freely and easily from her eyes, even though she hadn't been able to cry once since she'd woken up. But though the sight of the turian – _Vakarian_ – had resulted in a surge of indiscernible emotions, Shepard found herself wanting nothing more than to see him. To talk to him. But Beatrix had pushed him out of the room almost immediately.

The door slid open just then, and Beatrix walked in, distractedly pushing her curly hair out of her tired face. When she noticed Shepard looking at her, she turned on her usual smile, at full strength.

"Well that was a lot more excitement than you're used to, wasn't it? How are you feelin', darlin'?"

Shepard shook her head, unable to really answer the question. "Why did you make Va...why did you make the turian leave? I wanted to talk to him."

The nurse began scanning Shepard to take her vitals. She maintained her smile, which Shepard guessed was supposed to be reassuring. And it was sometimes, right now, it was just annoying right now.

"You have a delicate condition, hon. It would have been just too much for both of you to handle right now."

Shepard looked down at her scarred hands. "I don't think there's anything delicate about me. Whatever would have happened, it'd be better than sitting here alone every day. I know you're trying to help, but I don't think you know what I can handle. "

Beatrix stopped scanning Shepard and put a hand on her shoulder. "You're right. I don't. But I do know that while you might just be the strongest woman – no, probably the strongest living being in this universe – that you're only human, hon. And it's my job to take care of you while you're here." The nurse walked toward the door and Shepard looked away, out toward her window. It had a beautiful view of the water below Huerta Memorial that always seemed to calm her.

Beatrix paused and turned around. "Don't go worrying yourself all day. I just told Mr. Vakarian to come back later. There's just a few things he needs to do before he can talk to you. He hasn't left the hospital and frankly I don't think anyone could make him until he talks to you. Chin up, dearie. This is a good day."

When she had finally left, Shepard turned the name and face of the turian over in her mind. _Vakarian...Vakarian_... The name carried some meaning, but she didn't know what. Shepard thought of how he had looked at her, and suddenly felt ashamed. Tears drops began falling down on her sheets again, though she wasn't entirely sure why.

Her body was as torn and broken as her mind and spirit. Yet the way he'd looked at her…it was like she was the only thing that existed in the universe. The only thing that mattered.

And she couldn't even remember his name.


End file.
